Knowing the place for the first time

I think I know now.

I've been thinking about this for more than a year. Not actively, I mean, the last year was a little busy. I spent so much of the last year under the weather that I had sort of forgotten that I was thinking in this direction. Well, I had forgotten. I had completely forgotten until I was having a conversation with my vet after Lola got sick.

"You seem to understand a lot of the technical stuff," she said. It was true. The reason I understand the technical stuff is because I've been through a lot of it myself, with my own human body, but that's not what I said to her. "Yeah," I responded. "This time last year I was thinking of starting back to school and then going to vet school myself."

Which is true, and it's true again.

I'm going to start slowly, by taking a couple of courses in the fall, assuming that my health holds up. That way I can keep working full time to continue my health coverage. I'll try to take another couple of courses in the spring and over the summer. These may be "levelling" courses, things I never took as an undergrad, or science courses that I haven't taken recently enough. (Apparently General Chemistry has a seven-year statute of limitations. Who knew?)

After looking at admissions requirements for several vet schools, it seems that I may as well take the extra semester or so and get another B.S., in biology this time. Then, well, I go to veterinary school.

My reasons for wanting to be a veterinarian are fairly simple, at least to me. For one thing, that career addresses everything I dislike about my current occupation, which can be summed up by saying that my work matters to absolutely no one. I hate that part.

I'm much better at working with people than programs; as a veterinarian taking care of pets, which is what I want to do, I'd get a chance to help people through their pets. I'd also be able to promote responsible pet ownership and encourage the adoption of shelter animals.

And then there are the animals--the most important thing of all. Animals (mostly cats, a few dogs and a couple of horses) have made my life better since I was a very little girl. I never thought I could give back to them, but maybe I can in some small way.

The thing, the big thing for me is that I feel that I can commit to a long term project and stand a chance of finishing it. I've never felt like that before. Perhaps somewhere along the way I'll find a way to give back without starting over, but I don't mind starting over, really.

I'm not doing it because I have to, because I made some kind of mistake for which I feel I must atone; I'm going to do it because I want to, because I am capable of meeting the challenge now. I don't know my capabilities, not fully. I want to know.

Although nothing is set in stone, I'm at peace with the idea. I'm not afraid of trying any more. I'm more afraid of not trying.

before - after