Sulky

I think today might have been the last nice day of the year. This is strange, because I'm used to thinking of autumn as being the nice weather. That seems to be changing, though. I'm enjoying the; today I wore my newest linen dress, which has no sleeves. There was a light, warm breeze and it felt good on my arms. The sun touched my shoulders; that was nice, too.

We're supposed to have a cold front tomorrow morning, and I have these thoughts that we won't see the high 80s again. The days are getting shorter. I don't mind, exactly, but I used to welcome the days getting shorter.

What changed? I don't know. It seems like a great many things have changed in my life over the past couple of years, but I guess some things will never change. It seems like I ought to benefit from that knowledge, but I don't think that's happening.

My problem, I think, is that I tend to operate with the expectation that others are generally better than I am: kinder, more generous, more objective. That's probably just naive of me, isn't it?

To know that I'm ready to think the best of others, and they're thinking the worst of me is just depressing. I think the people who value me do so, for the most part, for my acid tongue. It's a protective shell, of course, and I know my family and close friends are aware of that, but the rest of my circle of acquaintance couldn't possibly know.

I wish I could get to a point where I didn't need the protective shell, but I don't see that happening. My problem is that I tend to feel too much, whether that's scorn or joy, love or pain.

I get over it, I always do, and I will again. It's just not any fun living like this.

before - after