Stages of boredom

That's just crazy. I don't want to go back to work for several reasons. One is that if I have to go back to my old job, they won't let me do anything. I'm serious. They all think I'm in some kind of bubble, and that drives me nuts.

(The last time I went back to work, the two weeks between being out with kidney failure and going back out for the transplant, seemed like I fell down every time I stood up. I can see why everybody worried about me.)

Besides, I've already cleaned out my desk. I told one of the contract managers that I'd be clear to return to work around May 1, a date I pulled out of thin air. He said they'd have a new job for me. In truth, I fear going back to work because I'll have to be around lots of people, potentially sick people. I know how lucky I've been so far. Close to five months on immunosuppressive drugs and not a single infection. They had to take me off all the prophylactics because of the potential for damage to the new kidney, and I've still been fine.

Well, fine except that my one new year's resolution was to have fewer hospital days in 2001 than in 2000 and I'm already close to half my 2000 total. I'm fighting symptoms again, hoping not to end up on the same cycle where I was in and out, in and out, in and out.

Before, I always knew that I was going to get better, but now there's some thread of doubt running through the plaid. I will get better, eventually; I don't know when eventually starts. I can tell myself that it starts today, but I no longer believe that.

I suppose that going back to work would mean that I had enough confidence in my health to do so. That's the one thing I've never had, ever.

~~~~~

On a closing note, Lola was so cute taking her pill. I hid it in a spoonful of wet cat food and she gobbled the whole thing down. Oceanfish flavor seems to agree with her. At first I thought she was going to eat the disguise and leave the pill on the spoon, the way Skipper did with his heartworm pills, but she ate it.

I love Lola, not just because she's soft and cuddly, but because she makes me laugh.

~~~~~

Tomorrow, I'm going to make a plan for making my day to day life less dull.

before - after