I've seen the cops and the robbers and I know they dance the same

I sat down to write today, but I just couldn't: it's dark, it's cold and I spend way too much time by myself.

On the up side, because I always find an up side, I've decided what kind of place I want to live in when I buy. (I hope that happens next year.) I'd like to find a condo in an older, smaller building that's been really well maintained. I'm not going to be particular about location, but I should admit that I'm not capable of dealing with a house at this point in my life, not without serious professional help.

The trick will be finding something I can afford in an area I like. This is a 180-degree turn for me, a person who has always liked houses, old houses. However, I'm really tired of living in places that need work. I've never had the physical strength, or the help, or the energy to deal with that. I suppose this is another dream I'm giving up, but I think it's one that needs to go in order for me to move on.

And I do need to move on. I realized this as I had a massive and much needed crying jag while washing dishes. I'm not sure what set me off, except that I remembered the conversation I had with my mom last week about her feeling guilty for not being there for me. I told her not to feel guilty, because I know she does the best she can; her inability to accept that in this case, the best she can isn't really enough leads her to promise more than she can deliver.[1]

So it's not her shortcomings as a mother that disappoint me, it's her constant insistance that she can do better. What I said as I was screaming into the air was don't lie to me any more. What I meant was don't lie to yourself. I guess I meant it for both of us.

One of the nights in the hospital I had a dream, and I just remember the end of it. There was a huge outdoor party, maybe a wedding, and there was rain. I stood under an umbrella but I wasn't the one holding it. A man--a person whose face I recognized, but not necessarily that person, you understand--ducked under the umbrella, took hold of my hand and asked me to come out from under the umbrella and dance with him. In the rain. It felt good, he had good hands.

Anyway....

[1]I should explain that my definition of enough is pretty much limited to basic reliability, meaning that in case of an emergency, I'll be able to reach her and she'll be in shape to deal with it. Last week when I went out to the emergency room, I called her at 10:00; she was already too drunk to drive. I didn't expect that she was going to turn into Superwoman because I had major surgery and needed some support.

before - after