Empty.

I mean, the substance of it has been fine; Paul came over with the title to the Saturn, and then we went to Union Station for lunch; Fred called wanting to get me a window AC unit; Lola sat on my lap while I typed for a while.

On the other hand, my legs are very heavy and my blood sugar has been low-ish all day. It's very odd that before I had a diagnosis, my legs didn't feel all that heavy; now when I know they're swollen I can barely lift them. I know they're not physically heavier, must be the weight of knowing.

It's just that there's so much to keep track of now. Food, vitamins and minerals, fluid intake and output, salt, sugar, carbs, total calories, insulin, blood glucose... I am mentally worn out. Then there's the added wondering whether I could have a child after the transplants, plus all the emotional issues that go with being a single woman in her early 30s even, which go above and beyond my personal health issues. Of course, the health issues complicate the emotional issues. I still worry about my alcoholic father and my irresponsible mother; I still resent the presence of her officious boyfriend, though I'm slowly trying to ease up on that. (He showed up this morning and called me "babe." There's really no way to make me angrier, and the last thing I need is to decide that my negative opinion of Fred is completely justified. Right now I'm the only one who doesn't like him.)

How am I supposed to cope? What am I supposed to do? I can't possibly take care of all this alone, and yet there is no one else. I can lean on friends and relatives, but ultimately nobody is going to take care of me but me. I haven't done a very good job of that in the past.

I feel like I'm working in the dark here. I know that the clock is ticking and that my life hangs in the balance; I know that what will make the difference is me keeping minute track of a hundred different things and tuning out anything that bothers me.

I am tired, and it is raining. I don't really want an air conditioner. What I need can't be bought. I want not to feel alone and helpless. I don't know how to do that.

before - after