Nothing any one planned on

A couple of hours ago, after finishing a long and far too introspective e-mail to a friend, I figured out what was wrong.

Yes, something was wrong. I couldn't give it a name, but it was with me all day, most of yesterday, and it's still with me, but at least I know what it is; that helps.

I was looking too far ahead. Frankly, much past tomorrow is too far ahead. For the next six weeks or so, I have to live hour to hour and day to day. I do not have the energy to make long-term plans, no matter how much I want to make changes in the direction my life has taken.

I do want to make changes. I want to change jobs, I may even want to change careers. I want to learn how to live as a healthy person, because I don't remember what that's like. (At the same time, I know that I'm not exactly healthy; my health occupies a gray area of neither this nor that. I suppose that makes me psuedo-healthy.)

I know I said before that I wouldn't mind being part of a couple again, that might be the most radical change of all. While brooding, I was thinking about the relationship choices I've made. My partners have not been similar to each other, but they all shared my intensity, and I think that's been the problem. I sat, not feeling entirely well, and wondered how to avoid that in the future. Didn't come up with anything, but I was relieved even to give the pitfall a name.

I want to be more in the center of things, to live less on the fringes. I have found myself at the center from time to time, but I've never been able to stay there for long. I was always good at taking risks, but I didn't take enough of them; naturally the risks I took weren't always the smartest. I'd like to take better risks, maybe that's the right way to put it.

I don't want to change everything about the way I live my life. For instance, I never allowed myself to regret, and I think that attitude has served me well. I've always been able to celebrate small victories where I find them, and I will continue to do so.

I hope that I'll still be able to be deeply affected by small things, and to find beauty where others might not. I hope that I retain the willingness to give myself completely to experience--to live every moment as if it were my last.

I do not know how long I have left; but when you think of it, none of us knows. Change is tough, and some people never master it. I realized tonight that there was one drawback to having my transplant after waiting such a short time: I had no time to prepare for the changes. I never identified what they might be beyond the generic thought that things would be different.

So, what's wrong, in essence, is a natural backlash from the "I'm Better!" euphoria. This is perfectly normal. I am better, but I'm also different, and I must learn to cope with that.

This is a lot to think about.

before - after