For a loop

I'm not sure what put this thought into my head, but today it occurred to me that everything in my life is different now; every belief with which I came of age, every assumption that I ever made, the basis for all of them has changed.

I grew up with the idea that I wasn't going to live very long. This meant that it didn't matter that I was alone, because I could handle it; I wouldn't really want to saddle a person I loved with the burden I knew I'd eventually become.

(I know this is a perverse way of thinking; I can see that now, though I hadn't articulated it before today.)

The other thing was that I have never been able to settle for less than absolutely getting my way. My mother wrote in my baby book "she does not like to be crossed." So you see, that part had nothing to do with being sick. However, being sick didn't help. It always seemed that everything in my life--the life I fully expected to end before its time, to coin a phrase--took on some added significance. I tended to attach way too much meaning to things that shouldn't have meant anything.

So here I am in my 30s--nearing the age when they start to say I'm more likely to be killed by a speeding bus than to marry--and I decide that not only do I not have to be alone, but it probably would be better for me if I weren't alone.

This idea is a fundamental change in the way I think about life; I'm different now than I was when I woke this morning. On one hand, I'm probably better; on the other hand, I'm sure it was easier for me operating under the impression that I didn't want, need, and in fact probably wasn't equipped to handle a mate.

I think I could, now; now that I'm healthier and I'm coping admirably with the new set of challenges. I feel that I could be an equal partner, which has always been the most important thing for me. I think I might even be able to love the right somebody else and have enough energy left over for myself. That would be really cool.

I couldn't have done that before now, which is why I was always gunshy. For the record, I've been engaged three times; I broke two of them and the third fell apart of its own volition to the satisfaction of both parties.

So, I don't know what to do now. This is just about as dramatic a turn as my outlook has ever taken, and I'm honestly not sure how my worldview is going to shake out from here.

I probably should have expected something like this, eh?

before - after