The most God-forsaken time of the day

About an hour ago, a random check of channels in the 40s and 50s on my local cable system enlightened me to the existance of something I'd never have imagined, not in my wildest dreams.

It was on QVC. The thing appeared to be a plain blue chambray shirt at first glance. Everybody has at least one and I was getting bored, so I had my finger on the channel up button when they did a closeup of the shirt, which it turned out wasn't plain at all. Its front was festooned with portraits of four lapdogs rendered in thread and rhinestones.

It gets better.

The hostess fawned to her audience, which had to consist of me and the rest of the insomniac shut-ins in the U.S., that these were Delta's Dogs. I really thought this was the brand name, Delta's Dogs, and that next they'd show a black denim jacket with dalmatians or leggings printed with fake paw prints; I was suitably horrified. As I listened, it dawned on me that she was talking about Delta Burke, who must have something to do with this shoddy looking line of clothing, and these must be her... Dogs. On the shirt. With rhinestones winking away in the studio lights.

The absurdity of the presentation reached its zenith when the hostess reached inside the shirt. "Yes!" she said as if she had just that moment learned something new about it. "The dogs are embroidered on, not just patches that were sewn on." The hubris was so thick you could have spread it on toast.

Speaking of which, I could go for some breakfast.

before - after