It begins again

I have another bad blood vessel in my left eye. I woke up from a nap and my vision was shot with thick red threads. This is the first time I've been able to see color; it was definitely blood.

It's faded now. It's a murky cloud with some dark gray strings and dots, but I know it's still blood. I got this eye fixed about a month ago, and before I left the doctor's office, I asked him if there was anything I could do to prevent any more damage. He told me to make sure my blood sugars were controlled.

That's fine, I said. They are. And that's true. I had a pancreas transplant for crying out loud, diabetes control doesn't get any better than that.

All through the time I've been sick, I've been buoyed by the absolute conviction that I will get through this. At this point I am unsure what this is.

Except unfair, I am positive that this is not fair. My entire adult life, since I was 13, has been directed by my health. I did what I was supposed to when I was supposed to do it. When I slipped, I made corrections, and I tried to live my life exactly as I would have if I'd been completely healthy. But I didn't really know how I would have lived under that circumstance, I just know that my overriding worry... would have been something else.

I had a couple of friends in college who were insulin dependent as well. They were different, meaning they partied a lot harder than I did. I don't know what happened to them, but I don't think they could be any worse off than I am... and I think they probably had more fun than I did.

I do not know what my long-term prognosis is at this point, in terms of my vision.

It seems to me that this shouldn't be happening, and I'm tired of treating the symptom. That approach isn't working.

I've had just about enough.

before - after