Going down the river feeling bad

At this moment, there's one clock in the house that shows the right time. Well, roughly. It's the clock on this here computer, and I know that it doesn't keep time very well. I do know how to change the time on my alarm clock, so I'll do that before I go to bed. I do not know how to change the time on the clock in my car.

I ought to remember, because I've looked it up in the owner's manual several times. Once I drove around with the clock showing the wrong time after the people who were detailing it managed to mess up the time. Yes, I once had a Saturn detailed.

Stop laughing!

I hate the Saturn, it's true. Mine is a sort of gray color that's exactly the same shade as road dirt. This means it never looks dirty, but it also never looks clean. I keep saying that I'll trade it in after I go back to work, but that hasn't happened yet, and I don't really see it happening any time soon.

I've finally started peritoneal dialysis, and I hate it more than the first time. I think I may hate it more than hemodialysis, which I didn't think was possible. The main problem is that while I have the fluid in, I can't eat and I can't drink. This means that I take a break between exchanges in order to eat and digest.

I mean, so I don't die. Not eating enough, not being able to get proper nutrition will endanger my life. Of course, inadequate dialysis will also make me very sick, and that's the risk I'm taking so I can eat.

I remember that the last time when I started on PD, I had similar problems and I eventually managed to adjust. I remember that I went back to work, and that it was all right. I also remember that I had myself convinced that I'd be able to wait the 3-5 years for a new kidney, except that it didn't take that long.

I don't know what's different now. Sure, I had a working kidney for a while, but I felt lousy almost the entire time. I hardly remember what "well" feels like any more.

I hope that all I need is time, and that I start feeling more like a human soon. In the mean time, I think I'd settle for the government to stop messing with daylight. That might placate me just a little.

before - after