What is your damage, Heather?

I bought the black sundress at the same time as the dress with the unusual pockets, about a week before I was hospitalized and came home with a catheter in my neck. As I was laying in my bed resting after the surgery that put the thing in, I actually thought of those two dresses. Surgery Day was very strange in terms of what I was thinking; I suppose stress and heavy sedatives play some kind of tricks on your mind. As they wheeled me in, I was thinking of a couple of Bob Marley songs to calm me down, because I certainly needed calming. We're wheeling down the halls and all of a sudden I think "Ellen's dog is named Marley." I found this comforting for some unexplained reason.

After surgery, I wondered idly if I'd bought two dresses that would be completely useless to me. It didn't occur to me that the thing, as I affectionately refer to the Hickman catheter, would be coming out once I decide on the type of treatment I want to do permanently, or at least until the transplant.

Where was I? Oh yes, putting on the black sundress. I remember trying it on after I bought it and thinking that it looked all right, in that self-depricating but still appreciative way that women tend to evaluate themselves when nobody else is listening. The dress fits well, with an empire cut and long, straight skirt that goes to my ankles. It has wide straps and a wide, square neckline. The overall effect is sleek, but still subtle and casual. I figured I'd wear silver jewlery with it, maybe some slightly chunky black sandals, then I put it in the closet. I guess that was about a month ago. So, today I decided to wear it.

I've had reasonably good luck with clothes, in that most of mine have covered up the catheter's bandage so far. The black sundress, however, does not. I'm still wearing it, despite the possibly unseemly display of bandage and peek of plastic tubing. It's as if I'm daring people to stare at me and wonder what the damage is.

Other than the bandage, I look like a healthy woman in her mid-twenties. The mess of tape and gauze pads screams "there's something wrong here!"

~~~~~

A friend sent me e-mail this morning that she was listening to a Suzanne Vega CD and one song reminded her of me. The weird/interesting thing is that the song, "Blood Makes Noise" is one of my very favorites, even aside from being the Suzanne Vega song I like best. I've always really liked the rhythms in it. Whatever, that's just something interesting that happened today.

before - after